If you have ever lain awake wondering how to make someone fall in love with you, you are in very good company. Wanting to be loved back by the person you care about is one of the most human feelings there is. So let us start with the honest answer, because it is also the kind one: you cannot make anyone fall in love. Love is not something you can trick, pressure or engineer into another person, and any advice that promises otherwise is selling you something that does not work and often hurts people.
What you can do is create the conditions in which love has a real chance to grow. Researchers who study relationships have learned a lot about what helps two people feel close: spending time together, opening up gradually, being genuinely interested, being kind and reliable, and sharing new experiences. This guide walks through what actually helps, including the famous "36 questions" study, what tends to backfire, how to tell whether the feeling is mutual, and how to keep love growing if you are already together.
The honest truth: you can't force love
Love depends on two people. You can control how you show up, how kind and honest you are, and how much effort you make. You cannot control how someone else feels in return, and that is actually a good thing. Love that is freely given is the only kind worth having. If someone loved you because you had managed them into it, you would always wonder whether it was real.
Here is a more useful way to think about the question. Instead of asking how to make someone fall in love, ask:
- How can I let this person get to know the real me?
- How can I get to know the real them?
- How can we spend time together that feels good for both of us?
- How can I be someone who is easy to trust and good to be around?
Those are all things within your control, and they are exactly the things research suggests matter most.
What research suggests helps people feel close
Scientists cannot give anyone a love potion, but decades of research on attraction and relationships point to a handful of patterns that show up again and again.
Spending time together
People tend to grow fonder of those they see often. Psychologists have long observed that familiarity breeds liking in many situations, and that friendships and relationships often form between people who simply cross paths regularly, like coworkers, classmates and neighbors. You cannot fall for someone you rarely see. Regular, relaxed time together gives feelings room to develop.
Opening up, gradually
Closeness grows when people share things about themselves, a little at a time, and when that sharing is met with warmth. Talking only about the weather keeps a connection shallow. Sharing everything on the first date can feel overwhelming. The sweet spot is a gradual back-and-forth, where each of you opens up a little more as trust grows.
Feeling understood and cared for
Relationship researchers often talk about responsiveness: the feeling that the other person understands you, values you and cares about what you need. People who feel this way about a partner tend to feel closer and more satisfied. In everyday terms, it means listening properly, remembering what matters to someone, and responding with interest and care.
Liking tends to be mutual
Research on attraction suggests that people are often drawn to those who clearly like them. That does not mean overwhelming someone with attention. It means letting your warmth and interest show honestly, instead of hiding it behind a cool, unbothered act.
Things in common, and respect for differences
Shared values, a similar sense of humor and common interests make it easier to enjoy time together. Differences can be exciting too, as long as you respect each other's. Being yourself is the only way to find out whether you genuinely fit.
Doing new things together
Research by psychologist Arthur Aron and colleagues on established couples found that sharing new and exciting activities was linked to feeling more satisfied with the relationship. Trying something new together, whether it is a hike, a class or a trip, gives you shared memories and a little spark of excitement that becomes associated with each other.
The 36 questions to fall in love: what the study really found
You may have heard of the "36 questions to fall in love." They come from a 1997 study led by psychologist Arthur Aron. It is one of the best-known pieces of relationship research, and also one of the most misunderstood.
What the researchers did
The study was about closeness, not romance. The researchers wanted a reliable way to help strangers feel close to each other in a laboratory setting, so they could study closeness more easily. Pairs of people who had never met spent about 45 minutes taking turns asking and answering a set of questions. The questions came in three sets, and they started light and gradually became more personal, encouraging each person to share more about themselves as the conversation went on.
What they found
Pairs who worked through the escalating questions reported feeling closer to each other than pairs who spent the same amount of time making ordinary small talk. The key ingredients seemed to be self-disclosure that deepened step by step, and that it was mutual, with both people taking turns sharing and listening.
What it does not mean
The questions are not a spell. They did not make strangers fall in love, and they will not make someone fall in love with you. What they show is something simpler and more hopeful: when two people take turns opening up, and each listens with care, closeness tends to grow. That is a lesson you can use in any relationship.
How to use the idea in real life
- Start light. Begin with easy, fun questions about favorite things, happy memories and daily life.
- Go deeper slowly. Move toward questions about hopes, values, important memories and what you appreciate about each other.
- Take turns. Both people answer every question. Closeness grows when sharing goes both ways.
- Really listen. Ask follow-up questions and respond with warmth rather than judgment.
- Let either person pass. Nobody should feel pushed to share more than they want to.
The Couples Questions game is built on the same gentle idea: you choose a deck, from light and playful to deeper questions, and take turns answering at your own pace. It works just as well for new couples as for couples who have been together for years.
What actually helps: practical ways to build a real connection
If you care about someone and hope they will feel the same, here is what genuinely makes a difference.
1. Be genuinely curious about them
Ask about their life, their work, their friends, their childhood, what they love and what worries them, and then listen to the answers. Remember the details and ask about them later. Few things feel better than being truly known by someone.
2. Let them see the real you
Share your real opinions, your quirks, your enthusiasms and, over time, your hopes and fears. People cannot fall for someone they do not really know. Pretending to be someone else only postpones the moment when you find out whether you are right for each other.
3. Be kind, consistently
Kindness is one of the most attractive qualities a person can have. Be kind to them, and to the waiter, their friends and strangers too. Consistent kindness tells someone they will be safe with you.
4. Be reliable
Do what you say you will do. Turn up on time, reply when you say you will, and follow through on plans. Trust grows from lots of small moments of reliability.
5. Make them laugh, and laugh with them
Shared laughter is a powerful bonding experience. You do not need to be a comedian. Being playful, enjoying their jokes and not taking yourself too seriously all help.
6. Share new experiences
Suggest things to do together rather than only sitting across a table. Try a new restaurant, go to a market, take a class, go on a hike. Our lists of first date ideas and date night ideas are full of options.
7. Notice their bids for connection
Relationship researcher John Gottman describes small everyday attempts to connect, like pointing out something interesting, sharing a story or asking for help, as "bids." In his research, couples who stayed happily together tended to turn toward each other's bids, responding with interest, far more often than couples who later split up. Put your phone down, look up and respond warmly when they reach out.
8. Show appreciation
Tell them what you like and admire about them, specifically and sincerely. "I love how you get so excited when you talk about your garden" means more than a generic compliment.
9. Learn how they feel cared for
People feel loved in different ways: kind words, quality time, thoughtful gifts, helpful acts or physical affection. Paying attention to what makes them light up tells you how to show you care in a way they will notice. Our love language quiz is a fun way to explore this together once you are dating.
10. Have a full life of your own
People are drawn to others who have friends, interests and things they care about. Keep doing what you love. It makes you happier, more interesting and less anxious about the relationship.
11. Be patient
Feelings develop at different speeds. Some people fall quickly; others need months of friendship and trust before they feel romantic love. Give the connection time and let it grow naturally.
What doesn't help (and can hurt)
A lot of popular advice about making someone fall in love is really about manipulation. It rarely works, and when it does, it creates a relationship built on shaky ground.
- Playing hard to get. Pretending not to care, ignoring messages on purpose or making someone chase you creates confusion, not love. Clear, honest interest is far more attractive to people who are ready for a real relationship.
- Trying to make them jealous. Flirting with others to get a reaction damages trust and often ends things.
- Overwhelming them. Constant messages, huge gifts, and declarations of love very early can feel like pressure. Healthy closeness builds gradually.
- Changing who you are. Pretending to love their hobbies, hiding your opinions or reshaping yourself to fit what you think they want is exhausting and cannot last.
- Put-downs disguised as flirting. Backhanded compliments and teasing meant to make someone feel less confident are unkind, and they are a red flag in anyone who uses them on you.
- Scripts and lines. Rehearsed lines and "tricks" feel hollow. Real conversation is always better.
- Ignoring a clear no. If someone has told you they are not interested, respect it. Persistence after a no is not romantic. It is uncomfortable for them and painful for you.
Signs the feeling may be mutual
Everyone shows interest differently, but some common signs that someone likes you back include:
- They make time to see you and suggest plans themselves.
- They reply to messages and keep conversations going.
- They remember small things you have told them.
- They ask you questions and seem interested in your answers.
- They introduce you to friends or talk about future plans that include you.
- They seem relaxed, happy and more open around you over time.
If you are unsure, the kindest and clearest thing is often simply to ask, gently and without pressure. Something like "I really enjoy spending time with you, and I'd love to go on a proper date. How would you feel about that?" gives them room to answer honestly either way.
When they don't feel the same
Sometimes, despite your best and most honest efforts, the other person does not feel the same way. It hurts, and it is okay to be sad about it. But it is not a sign that you are unlovable. Attraction depends on timing, chemistry and circumstances that nobody controls.
- Accept their answer with grace. A kind response protects your dignity and theirs.
- Give yourself space. It is fine to step back from spending time together while your feelings settle.
- Lean on friends. Talk to people who care about you.
- Remember what you learned. How you showed up, with honesty and kindness, is exactly what will make the right relationship work.
How to help your partner fall in love with you all over again
If you are already in a relationship, the same principles apply, just in a different way. Long-term couples often drift into routines where they stop asking questions, stop trying new things and stop noticing each other. The good news is that closeness can be rebuilt.
Ask new questions
It is easy to assume you already know everything about your partner. You do not. People change over the years, and there is always something new to discover. Try questions about dreams, memories and what they are thinking about lately. Our conversation starters for couples are a great place to begin, and the deeper decks of the Couples Questions game echo the gradual opening up that the 36 questions study used.
Plan something new
Swap one familiar date night for something neither of you has done before. A class, a day trip, a new trail or a new cuisine can bring back a sense of adventure.
Turn toward each other
Respond when your partner shares something, even something small. Put the phone down, look up and show interest. These tiny moments add up to a feeling of being loved.
Say thank you, often
Notice what your partner does for you and thank them for it. Appreciation is one of the simplest ways to keep affection alive.
Keep physical affection in everyday life
Hold hands, hug hello and goodbye, sit close on the couch. Everyday affection keeps you feeling connected between bigger moments.
A simple plan for building closeness over a month
| Week | Focus | Try this |
|---|---|---|
| Week 1 | Curiosity | Have one conversation where you ask only light, fun questions and listen closely to the answers. |
| Week 2 | New experiences | Do something neither of you has done before, like a class, a new trail or a new cuisine. |
| Week 3 | Opening up | Share a meaningful memory or a hope for the future, and invite them to share one too. |
| Week 4 | Appreciation | Tell them, specifically and sincerely, three things you appreciate about them. |
This works whether you are getting to know someone new or reconnecting with a long-term partner. It is not a formula, just a gentle rhythm of curiosity, shared experience, openness and warmth.
Frequently asked questions
Can you really make someone fall in love with you?
No. You cannot force or trick someone into loving you. What you can do is be genuine, kind and interested, spend quality time together, open up gradually and share new experiences. Those things give love its best chance to grow if the feeling is there.
What are the 36 questions to fall in love?
They come from a 1997 study by psychologist Arthur Aron and colleagues. Pairs of strangers took turns answering 36 questions in three sets that became gradually more personal. They reported feeling closer than pairs who made small talk. The study was about building closeness, not a guaranteed way to create romantic love.
Do the 36 questions actually work?
They reliably helped strangers feel closer in the study, because they encourage mutual, gradually deepening conversation. They cannot make someone fall in love, but taking turns opening up and listening carefully is a wonderful way to get to know someone.
How long does it take to fall in love?
There is no set timeline. Some people feel strongly within weeks, while others need months of friendship and trust. Both are normal, and it is best not to rush it.
Does playing hard to get work?
It rarely helps in the long run. It can create confusion and anxiety rather than real attraction. Honest, warm interest is much more appealing to someone looking for a genuine relationship.
How do I know if someone likes me back?
Common signs include making time to see you, keeping conversations going, remembering what you say, asking about your life and suggesting plans. If you are unsure, it is fine to ask gently and without pressure.
How can I make my partner fall in love with me again?
Ask new questions, try new activities together, respond warmly when they reach out, say thank you often and keep everyday affection alive. Closeness in a long-term relationship can absolutely be rebuilt.
Want an easy way to open up with someone you care about? Try the Couples Questions game, choose a deck, and take turns answering, one question at a time.
